The sacrifices of being a working Mum

Being a working Mum is extremely difficult, and something I'll battle with for as long as I do both. Ever since having my first baby in August 2018, so 4.5 years ago now, I've had a constant fight against myself that I'm slacking in one or the other, and even more so now that I'm a Mum of two as I feel like I'm now letting two little people down on a daily basis.

Every time my business is doing great - when I'm fully booked with photoshoots for weeks, I feel like I'm slacking as a Mum as I've been so focussed on work. And every time I'm being a great Mum - spending days with the kids without even checking emails, I feel like I'm slacking as a business owner. It truly is one of the hardest things to juggle and something I'm still figuring out.

If I work my arse off, spend every waking hour marketing my business, answering enquiries, creating new content and taking beautiful photos of your babies, it results in good money. Which on paper looks great, it means we can afford nice things, days out, holidays, new clothes etc. But it's at the expense of not properly seeing my children. I'll often (more often than not) take my work home with me, and more times than I'd like to admit, I speak to my children over the top of my macbook. I reply to enquiries on the worktop whilst I'm prepping dinner, I write blogs whilst we're watching their favourite programme on TV, I'll put client orders through whilst they sit and eat dinner without me, I edit sat on the toilet seat whilst they're in the bath. So whilst I'm physically present, I'm not emotionally present, and I'm genuinely shedding a tear as I type this out. Then I tell myself that this is all for them, like I said above I work this hard so we have enough money to have good life. But it doesn't make the guilt any less.

Sometimes when babies don't arrive on time for their arranged photoshoot I end up having a couple of unplanned days in the diary free, so I'll stay home and spend time with the kids. More so my youngest now that my eldest has started school. But it still means I'll be home at 3pm when she finishes school rather than at 6:30pm which is the start of the bedtime routine, which is a great surprise in my daughters eyes. So I'll have the day being a Mum with no work, I'll try not to check emails, I'll tell myself the gallery can wait and I'll go without posting on social media that day. However, as the day goes on I find myself feeling anxious that I have customers messaging me, or I remember a job that was on my to-do list. So I'll either 'just have half an hour' working, or I'll leave it until the next day.

If I do quickly reply to an email, I then end up seeing another 5 that have come in so I'll reply to them too, or I'll see a missed call so I'll ring them back which is a half an hour phone call. Or I'll edit one image which I get into and it soon turns into 10, and before I know it I've switched without realising and I look at my children who have been playing by themselves for the last hour, and feel heart-wrenching guilt that once again Mummy didn't take them out as planned. I've been forcing myself to not do this, I've realised that work CAN wait, and I'm trying to prioritise my children when I have the option to. But then when I do return to work the following day, the work has doubled. More enquiries have come in on top of the ones I haven't replied to yet, I'm a day closer to the photoshoot viewing day so I'm getting anxious the gallery still isn't edited, I've realised I haven't posted on social media so now Facebook won't show my posts to anyone for another few days as a way of punishment, and that overwhelming feeling comes back around where I feel swamped.

I wish I could practice what I preach, I always tell Mums to enjoy every moment because babies grow so quickly, and if you blink you'll miss it. It's true, part of me thinks I've missed so much of my children's lives because I've been so focussed on work. I didn't even take maternity leave with either of them, so I feel like I've never really experienced being a full time Mum.

I realise I sound like all I do is work and that I push my children aside, it's not like that, it's just how I think sometimes. We do have lovely days together and I spend a lot of quality time with them when I can. I don't feel like they've necessarily missed a life they should have had, I just wish I could be part of it more like other Mums seem to be. But even when I'm not around, their Dad is, or they're with Grandparents. They're always happy, and they've only ever known me to work so they don't know any different, again it's just the Mum guilt and I could justify both sides over and over until I'm in a full blown argument with myself. In my children's eyes my laptop appears to be a third arm as it's constantly attached to me. Bath time, bed time, in the car, when we're crafting, when I'm cooking, when we're watching TV. I guess they're just used to it always being there.

I love being a Mummy, and I also love my job. I don't want to sacrifice either one to do the other, yet I just feel as if I sacrifice both in turns. I'm in no way saying being a working Mum is a bad choice, it's a lifestyle I chose and one I'll stick to until I'm too old to photograph a baby, or until my children are too old to need me at their beck and call. I'm just laying it out there and being honest when I say, it's bloody hard. I applaud all the parents out there trying to find this work/ life balance, because it's such an immense amount of pressure. If anyone has it figured out, send your top tips my way!